April 30, 2003
Can't Sleep
I can't sleep. The rational side of me keeps saying that there is nothing I can do about this until tomorrow, while the rest of my mind spins in frustrating little circles. I have been trying so hard to get a hold on my life - to work hard, remain on track, and make the right choices. And I thought I was getting it, really getting it. Things have been looking up for me, and even when they aren't (the website issues of the last two weeks and the programming problems) I've handled things in stride. Until this.
All of a sudden, I feel like I did a year ago, when I was so depressed I could barely function. Its been nearly three months since I've had a major bout and I was starting to get used to that good feeling. I hoped it might last a long time. But this has hit me hard - the way things do when I let myself down. I know life will go on, but right now, I just want it to stop for a while so I can feel bad. Then once it starts up, maybe this won't matter so much and I'll be OK again.
Posted by criminal at 11:37 PM | Comments (0)
Why Do I Do This?
They released the final grades for Webware tonight. I didn't pass.
I did so much work for the class, and I keep thinking that I probably could have done more. It really got me to test my boundaries and do things that I normally wouldn't have. In fact, it made me feel stupid at times. And there isn't much that does that. Computer programming does, but I keep trying it, thinking that one of these times I'll really get it. So, this time, I got 0s on two of the four projects. I should have had A-level code for project 2, but there was some owner bug that we couldn't figure out. So it didn't complie and I got no credit for the days I spent working at it. Fast-forward to project 4, which I put off because it was finally familiar territory. So I spent a day writing JavaScripts which didn't work, despite the fact that they were based off of O'Reilly code examples. Then I scrambled to write some other code based of instructor and textbook examples, which worked, but not fully. I won't even go into the problems I had with CSS, which is something I'm really comfortable with. I was banging my head against the wall because I didn't expect any complications with the last project. So I submitted it, or so I thought. I got an email tonight saying that they hadn't received my project 4. That means I have a zero on it for now. I emailed what I had to the professor and asked if it would make enough of a difference in my grade. I really hope that it will. If not, I'll be begging for an extension to fix both projects.
But now I'm really upset with myself. I hate failing at anything. Even more than that, I hate feeling like I could have done more. I'm always underestimating how long it will take me to do things. Or maybe I'm just overestimating my abilities. I'm going to have to learn my limits, and soon.
Posted by criminal at 10:51 PM | Comments (3)
Dirty Look
When Liz and I walked into my apartment a few minutes ago, we were greeted with less than pleasant looks. We were even smiling. I'm trying to suck it up and be civil for the next few weeks, because its just not worth it.
Posted by criminal at 05:51 PM | Comments (0)
Go Sox
Last night's game was great. The Red Sox beat the Royals, 7-2, and I was there. We sat in the first row, right on the first-base foul line, right where the wall meets the line. Much love to Steve and the vendor who gave him the tickets. Jon thinks I'll be a huge fan in no time. I don't think so, but I will admit that I have more of an appreciation for the game than I did just a few weeks ago.
Posted by criminal at 05:48 PM | Comments (1)
April 29, 2003
No Flowers For Me
I was going to head over to Jon's this afternoon to work on his garden and hopefully plant a few flowers. But it looks like I'm not going to. Steve got tickets to tonight's Red Sox game from work, so I'll be doing that instead. Darn, no flowers today.
Posted by criminal at 01:16 PM | Comments (1)
April 28, 2003
Summer Slim Down
Today was a bit depressing in the body-image department. Since it was so nice out, I tossed on shorts and a tank top. Much to my dismay, I was jiggling all over. My chubb is taking over, relishing in my infrequent trips to the gym and cravings for junk food. Although my shorts were loose enough to slide off, my belly still bulged over the waistband. Maybe my breasts were hiding it, but its really not pretty. And I will only mention the lack of muscle tone in my arms and legs. So I talked to Liz, and we decided to start going to the gym again. Not only that, but Jon and I decided to start a little rewards program. Today's pickup game really left him ragged and feeling out-of-shape. So we came up with more of an action plan to get us motivated. For every 15 pounds we lose, collectively, we'll get to take a little shopping trip. We're also thinking that we'll go someplace nice once we drop 50. And did I mention that I convinced him to co-author a journal about it with me? I think the incentives will work, but I'm not sure how well the journal will go over. Either way, we all should be slimmer by the end of summer.
Posted by criminal at 09:45 PM | Comments (0)
Watch Out, Blogger
Six Apart, the makers of MovableType (the lovely bits of code that power this journal), are gearing up for a new release that should rock the blogsphere. Their new service, TypePad, promises to combine all the features bloggers love in one package. In addition to the robust flexibility of MovableType, TypePad plans to offer hosting, like Blogger, easy start-up for novices, a linked blog community, like LiveJournal, more development opportunities for tinkerers, and loads of other new features. Personally, I can't wait to see the beta. The increased development will definately mean more upgrades for MovableType users and reportedly, the release of MovableType Pro. This really sounds like a tool that will benefit just about every level of blogger out there. Neat.
Posted by criminal at 07:56 PM | Comments (0)
April 27, 2003
Newport Folk Festival
Liz and I have been talking about going to the Newport Folk Festival again. The last time we went, we didn't even know each other. So I finally did a little research into it and decided that there is no way I'm not going. Unless of course I'm dying on August 15-17, which is highly unlikely. Among the confimed acts are: Lyle Lovett, Ani Difranco, Aimee Mann, and Erin McKeown. I can't wait.
Posted by criminal at 11:31 AM | Comments (1)
Good Morning
I feel great. With everything that has gone down recently, I wasn't expecting to be so happy. But I am, because any morning I get to wake up next to Jon is a good one. I have so much to look forward to in the coming weeks...
- a new apartment
- painting in my new apartment
- a trip home
- a new job
- throwing a house-warming party
Posted by criminal at 10:11 AM | Comments (1)
April 26, 2003
Punks
Grr. Some jerks hacked my site last night. I'm still trying to figure out why. You won't see this post until I've talked to the folks at CyberPixels, my hosting company. I'm pretty sure that all I need to do is rebuild and their crap will be gone. But I want it documented. I'm really hoping that this has absolutely nothing to do with any of the comments on my site lately. That would be a shame.
UPDATE: CyberPixels said Upon further investigation we noticed that Torgo had in fact been hacked. Its a known kernel vulnerablilty and we are working to fix it. I'll be relieved when I find out that it is not related to my personal problems.
Posted by criminal at 12:05 PM | Comments (2)
April 25, 2003
Friday Five for April 25, 2003
1. What was the last TV show you watched? I caught about 15 minutes of ER after Friends and Will & Grace last night with Liz, Jami, Troy, and Emily.
2. What was the last thing you complained about? I think I definately complained to Sam about the nasty comments being left on this site just a few hours ago.
3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Umm... I think I complimented Emily on her patience and ability to make beautiful quilts.
4. What was the last thing you threw away? The cardboard tube that paper towels come on.
5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? www.dooce.com
Have you answered the Friday Five yet?
Posted by criminal at 03:24 PM | Comments (0)
Just Stop
I feel awful now. Earlier this week, I made a big deal about letting potentially offensive comments stand in my journal. A few moments ago, I removed two comments due to their inappropriate nature. I am a huge supporter of free speech. I believe that everyone has a right to speak out, no matter how radical, backwards, or ill-informed their opinions are. But I draw the line at libel. Its one thing for someone to air their opinions, but defamation is quite another. I do not wish to be held responsible for libelous statements posted by others on my site, so I have and will continue to remove them. By the same token, I will also remove any comments that I deem vulgar or profane. I don't like doing it, so please don't make me. [If you feel that you must see the comments in question, please email me.]
Posted by criminal at 11:15 AM | Comments (2)
worth the trouble
How did I ever get so lucky as to meet someone so beautiful, sensitive and caring? I am so glad I did. [Jon]
Posted by criminal at 09:57 AM | Comments (0)
Have I Told You Lately
Jon is amazing and I just hope he realizes it. He's been trying so hard to protect me from all of this crap with his ex-girlfriend. She wants him back and has sicked her friends on me. I keep telling him that its ok, but he still worries. Anyone with half a brain can figure out that unsolicited information about someone close to you from a complete stranger is not motivated by the stranger's concern for you, but by their self-serving purposes. So, while the e-stalking and cryptic messages are annoying, they don't change the way I feel about him. I know that he's worth the hassle. I get the feeling that his ex-girlfriend never appreciated what a catch she had. Otherwise, she would never have given Jon up. But I guess that's her loss, and more importantly, my gain.
Posted by criminal at 01:28 AM | Comments (3)
April 24, 2003
More Girls' Night
Thank goodness for Thursdays. Even though I had a good time at home, I missed my regular Thursday night out (or rather, in) with Liz. It gives us a chance to catch up on all the important things that just can't be dealt with online. Not to mention just being girls. Liz has started to take control of her life and emotions, and I think its a great thing. I told her about Jon's ex-girlfriend trying to interfere. I hadn't realized how rare my calmness and rationality in dealing with it was until she pointed it out. Sometimes its just good to know when you're doing things well.
Posted by criminal at 11:35 PM | Comments (2)
Small Panic
The landlord is showing the apartment at 1pm. Being me, I feel that it needs to be clean. And if not clean, at least presentable. So now that I've started tearing my shit up to pack, I have to find new places for it all so that the potential tenants can get a good look at the place.
Posted by criminal at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2003
Little Boxes
I can't believe how soon I'll be moving again. In just a week Liz and I will take posession of our new place and start the whole process. Although I'm hoping for a slow and stressless move, I know that I can't just wait until May to take care of everything. So I've started packing. We laughed at my grandmother for starting to box things up as soon as she decided she was moving, but it worked well for her and it will be great for me. I'm starting small - movies, CDs, pictures, candles - to get the little things that aren't necessary out of my way. But I have more stuff than boxes, so I need to either find more boxes of ditch some of my stuff.
And they all get put in boxes, little boxes all the same.[Pete Seger]
Posted by criminal at 04:41 PM | Comments (2)
order
Space and light and order. Those are the things that men need just as much as they need bread. [Le Corbusier]
Posted by criminal at 11:41 AM | Comments (0)
Friday Five for April 18, 2003
Better late than never...
1. Who is your favorite celebrity? I don't know if I have a favorite - there aren't any I feel very strongly about.
2. Who is your least favorite? Ditto.
3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life? Dennis Rodman autographed a photo for me nearly 15 years ago when he was still a Detroit Piston.
4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not? Nahh. It appears to be like living in a glass house with millions of nosy neighbors. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why? Given my answer to the last question, you might expect this one to be blank. But for just a day, I could deal with it. I think I'd like to be Martha Stewart for a day, just to run a gigantic omnimedia company and have all kinds of people doing "good things" for me. It would be neat. As long as its not the day she gets carted off to prison, anyway.
Its about time you did your own Friday Five.
Posted by criminal at 10:28 AM | Comments (0)
Grow Some II
Let me make a few things clear in case they weren't already:
1. Dan, Sam, and I share an apartment. There are no other roommates. So, "all of Dan's roommates except Sam" = me. It is not a blanket statement, but a veiled personal attack.
2. I have nothing against Amanda. And I never have. In fact, I will agree with "a friend" who couldn't leave their name and go so far as to say that she is indeed a cool girl. I don't think we have exchanged much more than a few cursory greetings and jokes, so I wouldn't presume to make any judgements of her. It is a shame that she has chosen to judge me with such a limited knowledge.
3. I really have nothing against Dan. We did a lousy job of handling a typical roommate dispute. There was some name-calling, yelling, and a lot of fuming. I wrote about it in this journal to sort my feelings and blow off a little steam before I tried to talk to him about it. In the end, I was only disappointed that he didn't let me know how much things were bothering him earlier because I would've taken care of them then. It sucks to be a bad roommate and not even know it.
4. It takes balls to be honest in a public journal. Its not always easy, but I try. There are many times when I would rather elude to someone or some event because its easier. But being honest to my readers (and consequently, myself) helps me grow as a person. I am frustrated when I read a public journal that tries to veil its meaning because it indicates that the author is scared of expressing their true feelings. By the same token, I am troubled when I read one that all but comes clean. Its author is only scared of accepting responsibility for their feelings. If any aspect of public journaling is immature, its that kind of passive aggression.
5. When Amanda made backhanded comments about me on her site, it upset me. Who wouldn't be upset to find out someone was talking trash about them online? It particularly bothered me because I didn't realize Amanda held such strong negative opinions of me. She has been nice to me, but her comments made me doubt the sincerity of her actions over the last eight months.
6. As far as I'm concerned, Amanda and her comments aren't my problem. I noted them in my journal, said my piece, and moved on. Now I've even clarified my position so that nothing is misconstrued. I'm done. Maybe everyone else should be too.
Posted by criminal at 01:26 AM | Comments (4)
April 22, 2003
Poor Kitty
I feel so bad for Tia. I like to think I take good care of her - that I make sure she has food and water and someone to play with. But I'm starting to feel like I might be neglecting her a bit. Since I got back from my father's wedding I've been shutting her in my room. I let her wander around with me while I'm cooking and cleaning, but the rest of the time I try to keep my door closed. And I make sure she's locked up when I go out so she won't bother my roommates. I really don't like doing it - it makes me feel like a bad mom who locks her kids in a closet so she won't have to deal with them - but I really don't want to inconvenience my roommates any more than I already have. Dan has made it clear that he doesn't appreciate her presence (and traces of her presence) in the apartment. And through Amanda, it has been made clear that she's not just a nuisance, but an annoyance because I don't train or care for her. He just puts her in my room. So, I've been working on containing her by shutting her in myself. Ironic that accusations of negect have caused me to actually do things that I feel are grounds for neglect/mistreatment.
Posted by criminal at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)
Grow Some
Ever wish some people would grow up or at least grow some balls? Dan's girlfriend Amanda has started saying bad things about me on her website. Now, I don't mind so much if she doesn't like me - I mean, I did call her boyfriend a prick in a fit of written rage, so that's understandable - but it bothers me that she won't come all of the way out and say it.
Plus, all of Dan's roommates except Sam really suck at life. Sam is such a nice person and I'll miss him when he's graduated and gone. Haha...and I doubt Dan will miss that stupid cat. Perhaps he would have liked it if someone had bothered to train it and pay attention to it. Oh well...some people just can't have responsibility, I guess. [Excerpt from Amanda's site on April 22, 2003]
First of all, she doesn't know Sam and she certainly doesn't know me. She also hasn't been in this apartment or near my cat for any significant amount of time in the last two months. So, I don't know how she knows anything that goes on here, other than second hand from a guy that I haven't been on the best of terms with lately. That's not biased or fictional at all...right? In any case, I feel that I've been attacked, but at the same time, that the attack lacks very little warrant. It does bother me that she implies that I shouldn't have responsibility right after complaining that she doesn't know how to handle money responsibly. What does she know about real responsibility or my life?
Posted by criminal at 08:31 PM | Comments (7)
April 21, 2003
Pretty as a Picture
I just looked at my photographs from Niagara and I'm a little disappointed. With my digital camera, its so hard to tell what's in focus. What I thought was a wonderful picture of Jon in our hotel room turned out to be blurry because the camera focused on the table in front of him. The only picture of the room that turned out well enough to post was the one out the window, demonstrating our view. I'm hoping that the pictures we took with Jon's camera look better - so I'll wait until I get those before I post them. Besides, I think I'm going to work on migrating to the new theme.
Posted by criminal at 06:54 PM | Comments (0)
deadline
I don't need time. What I need is a deadline. [Duke Ellington]
Posted by criminal at 06:44 PM | Comments (0)
I'm Baaaack
But I have to go to class soon, so I'll update on my trip later. Suffice it to say that it was long, but that I had a good time. I think Jon enjoyed himself too, which makes me happy.
Posted by criminal at 11:12 AM | Comments (0)
April 16, 2003
Better Than Nothing
I wasn't able to get the higher levels of my project done. It took me too long to get just the first level. But it works! And that's a lot better than nothing. I'm going through the html right now, trying to make sure its validated, which can get me a few extra points. As soon as I'm done and showered (and Jon has packed) we'll be off.
Posted by criminal at 03:40 PM | Comments (0)
April 15, 2003
Very Soon
I'm also excited to report that I'll be home soon. And that I get to stay in Niagara Falls tomorrow night - in a falls view room. I'm really looking forward to showing Jon the falls. He's so cute; I think he's more excited than I am.
Posted by criminal at 10:59 AM | Comments (0)
Webware Oracle
Hooray! I'm making serious progress on my Webware project. Yesterday it just collected some form data. In the wee hours of the morning it contstructed a viable Yahoo stock page URL and snagged the information from said page. Now it successfully queries the webware oracle and includes its output in the URL. My goal for this afternoon is to figure out how to turn a pointer to a hashtable containing all the stock data into pretty little tables of user requested information. Tomorrow morning I'll implement logins and cookies. I feel pretty good because I've done it on my own (aside from Liz looking at it and catching a few of my mistakes).
Posted by criminal at 10:49 AM | Comments (1)
April 14, 2003
Strange Dream
Last night I dreamt that I was trying to find an apartment with my old marketing professor. Now, just so you understand, there were no sexual overtones - we were just roommates. While we were viewing one apartment, he borrowed the phone to call my old landlord. The landlord told him he didn't have anything available and my professor convinced him to share the names of other landlords, good neighborhoods, and rental policy philosphies. It seems to me that we applied to the place on Erisson Street and were accepted. But shortly thereafter found another place we wanted more. We spent a lot of time hanging around the new place, just checking things out while the girls there were fighting and packing up. The place looked so familiar to me (although I've never seen an apartment like that before) that I'm pretty sure that Liz and I visited it in a previous dream. Somewhere in here, I wake up and when I pick up the dream where I left off, Liz is my roommate again. And she has decided that she doesn't want to live very close to WPI. She wants to live "10 miles" away but still be close. I used the bathroom and ended up having Liz in the room with me. We spend the rest of the dream wandering around the apartment, dodging boxes and stupid girls.
Analyze that.
Posted by criminal at 09:35 AM | Comments (1)
April 13, 2003
A Bit Harsh
I was a bit too hasty in my categorization of Dan a few days ago. I said he was a prick when I actually meant that he was acting like a prick.
Seems he read it and wasn't too happy about it. But then again, I wasn't too happy when I wrote it. So he came in to talk to me and got angry. He complained about me not cleaning up after Tia, leaving kitty toys and cat hair around the apartment. I felt that it was hard to draw the line between cleaning up after a cat and cleaning up after messy roommates. I told him that I try to clean up after her, but that I cannot and willnot be the only person cleaning the apartment. I don't make many complaints about him or his habits because I'm pretty easygoing. I'd rather scrub the nasty tub or wash week old food-crusted dishes than initiate a confontation.
I think what I was most upset about was that he never mentioned that he had a problem with Tia or me. He just made statements without talking to me about expectations or resolutions. It wasn't "if you want the cat on the futon, you'll need to clean up after her" or "could you try to get the cat hair off the futon" but "I don't want the cat on the futon." I guess my philosophy is that until you do your share, you aren't allowed to bitch. So, as long as I'm the only one making an effort to clean this apartment, any complaints about its cleanliness lose credibility.
Posted by criminal at 08:16 PM | Comments (2)
April 12, 2003
Fenway, Here I Come
I get to watch the Red Sox play tomorrow. Jon got a few extra tickets from work, so I'm going with him and bringing a few friends too. Honestly, I'm pretty excited. Not to mention that tomorrow's weather will be as great as today's.
Posted by criminal at 05:21 PM | Comments (0)
Lazy
Why do I not want to do my Webware homework? Maybe its the nice weather. Maybe its the myriad of other things I'd rather be doing. Maybe its because the homework is really really hard. Maybe its because the deadline isn't close enough. Or maybe I'm just lazy. I don't like to think so, but that just might be it.
Posted by criminal at 05:17 PM | Comments (1)
April 11, 2003
That's It
Its official. My roommate is a prick. He's never home anymore, but whenever I go out for more than an hour, I come home to find Tia locked in my room. Whenever he's alone with her, he dumps her there. I'm starting to understand why she seems afraid of him. Anyway, today he told me that he didn't want the cat on the futon. So I asked why, thinking she had been a bad kitty. It turns out she's just a kitty - who happens to leave hair on the futon. This is the same roommate who said he'd like to have a cat here. And the same one who sits on the futon petting the cat. Grr.
Posted by criminal at 06:01 PM | Comments (1)
Friday Five for April 11, 2003
1. What was the first band you saw in concert? I don't really remember - probably the Oakridge Boys or some other band at the county fair.
2. Who is your favorite artist/band now? It changes depending on my mood, but I'd have to say that Suzanne Vega is one of my all-time favorites.
3. What's your favorite song? I don't know for sure: maybe Anna Begins by the Counting Crows, or Norwegian Wood by the Beatles, or Live to Tell by Madonna, or Loser by Beck, or Paint it Black and Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones, or Grey by Ani Difranco, or Beautiful Touch by Peter Salett, or Calypso by Suzanne Vega, or the Theme from Amelie, or...
4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be? I play so many already... but I really wish I could master the piano.
5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why? I'd say Beethoven, but he was notoriously grumpy and probably wouldn't get the same thrill from meeting me. I do think it would be a lot more fulfilling to meet an artist like Suzanne Vega.
Posted by criminal at 04:48 PM | Comments (0)
April 09, 2003
Don't Mess With My Bunny
I was browsing at Art.com and became irritated at the sheer number of prints I saw which added a border or some text to the original piece. Most prints released as part of a museum collection are very tastefully done. But there are companies doing ugly things to beautiful work. Several years ago, I bought a Beatrix Potter print in a store because I was thrilled that it even existed. I hated the mismatched script at the bottom and wanted to beat the designer that passed it off. I wrote it off as a discount store cast-off and hung it anyway. Now I find it on Art.com alongside quality prints and can't stand it. How on earth did anyone get away with defacing Beatrix Potter like that?
Posted by criminal at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)
More Snow
And yet more snow. I love snow, but enough is enough. Winter is supposed to be over. Its quadfest - instead of shorts and flip-flops, I'm wearing boots and mittens.
Posted by criminal at 01:03 PM | Comments (0)
cowboy
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile
[Dixie Chicks, Cowboy Take Me Away]
Posted by criminal at 01:50 AM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2003
joey 1
You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. [Joey, "Friends"]
Posted by criminal at 03:39 PM | Comments (0)
stupid breasts
A lot of guys think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don’t think it works like that. I think it’s the opposite. I think the larger a woman’s breasts are, the less intelligent the men become. [Anita Wise]
Posted by criminal at 03:37 PM | Comments (0)
A Job
Hooray! I have a job. Well, not super-officially yet, but still its nice to know that I am a future Web Developer at WPI. My meeting with HR was a bit unusual - they generally mail all job offers, but they wanted to be sure that their terms were reasonable - but good. I'll have an official offer in my mailbox soon. Then we just have to take care of the contract and insurance information. Neat. I'll even get business cards with my name on them and everything. I feel so grown up.
Posted by criminal at 10:10 AM | Comments (3)
April 07, 2003
Journal July 6, 1996
It turns out I started keeping an electronic journal years ago. I'm supposed to be keeping an appointment with myself, but a big part of tonight's agenda is looking through my pile of floppy disks for old IQP documents. While I was weeding through them, I found a disk from high school loaded with research papers, signs, and one journal entry. We're talking July 1996, around the time I started to really become attached to the Internet and I think the entry might explain why I sought refuge:
Dad has finally moved out. I’m not entirely sure what to think. He has been hiding, and for that I can’t entirely blame him, so he hasn’t been around much. There is a little house on the other side of Pasadena Ave. that he is renting. Says he can’t live like this and I agree. Mom and Barb are so bitter. I went to the house this morning and Barb didn’t want to go. She’s afraid she’ll say something mean. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS UPSET BY THIS? These thoughts are so random....wish I knew what to say. I can’t help but burst into tears thinking about it. After all of these years. There was so much tension in the house. It hurt to see it fall apart. Last night ma wrote dad a 5,6 page long letter to get everything out in the open. She talked about how she wanted to try and save it....but she also talked about divorce. That hurt so much to even type that word. Barb and Mom both seem happy that he’s gone for a while and they don’t seem to show anything but anger and frustration. They are being sarcastic and hostile, but I know that inside they are hurting too. I don’t think i’ve seen my dad cry more than twice. When grandpa died and when he told me he was leaving last night.
My parents eventually divorced. I've seen my mother hold herself together through all the pain like she was made of crazy glue. I've seen my sister reject our father and miss out on our family in the process. I've seen my dad cry every time he realizes he's lost a daughter. And me, I'm desperately hoping that publishing this old journal entry will help me understand how I became the person I am today. And just maybe reclaim a little more of the person I was before I wrote it.
Posted by criminal at 10:22 PM | Comments (0)
Utah or Bust
My Mormon name is D'Shara Chemayne!
What's yours?
Posted by criminal at 05:07 PM | Comments (5)
HR Meeting
I have an appointment at WPI's HR department tomorrow morning. The interview is over, but I'm still excited and a bit nervous. Part of me wants to pretend its no big deal, but the other part wants nothing more than to go to bed right now so it will get here sooner.
theworklizesc: oh yeah I know
theworklizesc: it's like christmas eve
theworklizesc: when all you want to do is sleep
theworklizesc: so it gets there faster
theworklizesc: but you can't because you're so excited
Posted by criminal at 03:48 PM | Comments (1)
Massholes
I'm only 71% Masshole. What about you?
Posted by criminal at 02:05 PM | Comments (3)
April 06, 2003
First Quarter Resolution Update
Its the end of the first quarter and I've decided that I should take stock of my resolutions and any progress I've made. So far, I think I'm doing fairly well:
1. Graduate from WPI. Well, I'm taking Webware to fulfill the last of my course requirements and I'm working on my projects again. I haven't graduated yet, and if things go well, I won't have my degree until October/December. Ideally I'd like it sooner, but if I can get it for free I'm not going to complain over a few extra months.
2. Find a Home. Over the last two months I've come to the decision that Worcester is best for me right now. Liz and I have even put a deposit down on a new apartment in the Greendale neighborhood.
3. Continue Losing Weight. Well, I haven't made much progress here. I keep hovering around 225, which is better than post-op. Honestly, I haven't been working as hard as I should at this. For a while I was up against physical limitations. Now its just hard to get back into the routine. And to top it all off, I haven't been eating as many fruits and veggies because they're fairly expensive. But as it gets warmer, they get cheaper, so that'll help. Realistically, I'd like to hit 210 by the end of the second quarter.
4. Get Out More. This I've been doing, but its something I always have to work at. Liz and I have been doing girls night out on Thursdays and I spend most weekends at Jon's. Having a daily class helps a lot too. Still, I want to spend less time curled up with my laptop.
5. Drop the Dead Weight. I'm moving on. It will take some time to heal these wounds, but I finally let it go.
6. Hit the Books. I've read a few books this quarter, numerous magazines, and several school related texts. I'd still like to read more newspapers (and maybe even have one delivered to the new apartment on Sundays) and books. But that will be easier once I have more free time.
7. Mend my Heart. My heart is healing. I found a great friend and lover in Jon. He makes me feel really good about myself. That's something that hasn't really ever happened to me. Sometimes I feel like he deserves better - someone whose heart is whole, and not bruised and battered - but I know he's happy to be with me. And I give him all I can, which gets to be more and more everyday as I make peace with myself and my mistakes.
I think some things need to be added at this point as well:
8. Finish More Projects. I'm lousy when it comes to finishing projects. For whatever reason, I always have more ideas than time. So I'm going to try to make an effort to finish the projects I have before I take on any new ones. Except perhaps ones that involve furnishing my apartment. Those take precedence.
Posted by criminal at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)
Friday Five for April 4, 2003
1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life? I lived in just one house until I went to college. Since then I've lived in a dorm, a terrible apartment, a modern apartment, a bustling house, and a decent old apartment. And I'm about to move to a new apartment.
2. Which was your favorite and why? As far as the physical features go, the big house I shared last summer has been my favorite. But nothing compares to the feeling of my childhood home.
3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why? There's nothing exciting about lugging boxes and furniture up and down three flights of stairs, but there is something to be said for moving to a new space. It brings the exciting challenge of making it your own and finding new ways to express your style.
4. What's more important, location or price? At this point in my life, price is a bit more important that location. That's not to say that location doesn't play a role, because it does - just not as much of one when I'm on a limited budget.
5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)? A huge kitchen and oodles of windows.
Posted by criminal at 09:15 PM | Comments (0)
April 05, 2003
Snow, Glorious Snow
Wow. It snowed again. This time with lots of ice thrown in just for fun. And here I thought Tuesday would be the last of it. Seems like ages ago that I was wearing flip-flops, doing yard work, and grilling outside, but in reality it was just last weekend. Today, I'll probably end up shovelling. Goes to show you that Mother Nature still had a few jokes up her sleeve.
Posted by criminal at 10:02 AM | Comments (0)
April 04, 2003
Mmm Baseball
My belly is full of beef stew and I'm lying in bed with my sweetie watching baseball. This is pretty close to bliss. Bliss would include football and strawberry daquiris. Close enough for now.
Posted by criminal at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)
Family Reunion
I'm working on some ideas for a Spohn-Allen family website. The whole thing was inspired by the family reunion that's happening this summer. For the first time in years my Great-Grandmother Marie LeChance Spohn Allen's many children and their families will be getting together to share a day in their lives. While a site for the reunion would be pretty easy, I'd like to make a site that is more than just that. I'm thinking that a big photo gallery is in order, as well as a geneology/family tree section. Movable Type driven news might be cool but could be a pain to administer. So what exactly do you put on a family website?
Posted by criminal at 12:01 AM | Comments (2)
April 03, 2003
Missed Appointment
Today my counselor tried to convince me to make appointments with myself to do things. Since I'm relatively good at keeping appointments with other people, we figured I basically have to pretend I'm someone more important than me. Although I feel I have pretty high self-esteem, sometimes its painfully obvious that I don't give myself enough respect. I'm always putting other people's needs in front of my own or selling myself short. So in the interest of progress, I made my first appointment for tonight after girls' night out. Turns out we browsed and window-shopped longer than we meant to, which made me terribly late for my appointment. And in typical Sarah fashion, I decided not to go because I was so late. Not a good start. I don't have an appointment tomorrow, but I think I'll schedule an emergency yoga appointment for 8am and maybe reschedule the skipped one for 10. Hey, this just might work...
Posted by criminal at 11:41 PM | Comments (0)
Paint
Since we pretty much have the apartment, Liz and I used our Thursday girls' night out to collect paint chips. While Liz was pretty much captured by one pre-assembled color scheme from the get go, I was all over the place. I can't pick a color family. I don't even know whether I want light, bright, muted, or dark. I have such a variety of conflicting tastes. I like cool blues and greens with a heavy dose of white, inspired by the ocean. But I also go nuts for deep red walls. Not to mention my desire for Chocolat style Turquoise with brown petroglyph borders. Gahh. If only I could fall for just one of those room sample cards... But help is on the way - we should be revisiting the apartment with the landlord early next week and taking a trip to Sherwin-Williams sometime thereafter. Maybe the experts there have something I haven't seen.
Posted by criminal at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
April 02, 2003
*Yawn*
OK. After working on web site design all day, I'm pooped. With any luck, I'll migrate the entire page tomorrow morning. Until then, take a peek at the new layout and let me know what you think of it. *yawn* Time for bed. I'm most interested in how it appears in different browsers since the layout is CSS driven.
Posted by criminal at 11:15 PM | Comments (2)
New Place
I just got a call from Bob Willis, the agent from Hajec and Associates who showed us a great apartment last Thursday. He said that the applications we submitted looked great and that he would be contacting the landlord immediately. The two-bedroom apartment on Ericsson Street is great. We probably could have found something a little better or a bit closer to WPI if we'd had more time to call around, but we really liked it. Its on the first floor and has a cute little enclosed porch looking out on a small backyard - I'd say small, but it's probably 50'x30' and definately green. I can't wait to see it again so I can describe it in more detail.
UPDATE: We got it! Bob called again to let me know that the landlord likes the sound of us and wants to meet to show us the apartment early next week. Yay!
Posted by criminal at 04:07 PM | Comments (0)
April 01, 2003
Go Duffman!
I am Duffman!
Which Simpsons Character are YOU?
Posted by criminal at 09:27 PM | Comments (2)
No Sox
I didn't get to watch the Red Sox lose yesterday because I don't get NESN anymore. Darn. It was still kinda funny to see Jon go from excited to grumpy just because his team lost. Remind me of my dad. And most men I know, come to think of it... Maybe I'll get to watch them win some day.
Posted by criminal at 05:00 PM | Comments (2)
the gift
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
[Jim Brickman - Gift]
Posted by criminal at 04:44 PM | Comments (0)
anticlimactic
I feel lost these days. I feel like it took so much for me to get out of that bad situation, it took so much for me to get to the other side of the hurt and pain to where I can look back on it. I don't know what I expected it to be like afterwards but somehow it feels anticlimactic. [Sarah of LittleWeeTiny]
Posted by criminal at 03:46 PM | Comments (0)
Last Snowfall
Its snowing again. I figured Monday's flurries would be the last, but I figured wrong. I'll take these just as happily. Don't get me wrong - I want the warm weather to settle in just as much as the next guy, but I love snow. Just call it Mother Nature's little April Fools' joke.
Posted by criminal at 03:44 PM | Comments (0)
How Dumb Do I Feel?
D'oh. I wasn't able to submit my project with the turnin script because I still wasn't on the list, so I tried to email it to the TA list. Well, seems I forgot the all-important _ta in the address, so the entire class got my lousy project. That's not just oops, that's catastrophic, since it was still several minutes before the deadline. I feel like a dolt now. That'll teach me to hit Ctrl-X before reading carefully what I've written.
Posted by criminal at 02:09 PM | Comments (0)