Confessions of a Fugitive Mind
September 26, 2005
Not Quite Right
For the last few weeks I haven't felt quite right. I was irritable, but that was easy to blame on having a new "roommate" and routine. Mood swings were just PMS and fluctuating hormones. Ditto for the massive cramps and bloating. My lack of focus was just boredom. Urges to shop by myself for hours on end were just some sort of nesting instinct. Of course the sudden urge to create and construct things was just pent-up creativity I had to stifle during the wedding and moving rush. And the fatigue, well, that's caused by along commute and one noisy, nosy, nocturnal kitten. The long period, my first in over two years, was the only thing I thought was wrong with me, but I was willing to wait that out. I mean, maybe it was the cause of everything and would go away again, like periods do.
But by the middle of last week I had seen enough to know what was happening:
- Last weekend, I got completely frustrated trying to install shelves in the bathroom. Jon solved my problem in moments by reading the instructions. It wasn't the solution I wanted, which made me even more upset. That made Jon upset and pouty. So I hid in spare room and started painting.
- Monday I felt really lethargic and had absolutely no appetite for lunch, turning down a run to Moe's.
- And on Tuesday I got really angry over a stupid little change in our football pool rules that I should've noticed much earlier. I got angry and frustrated to the point I wanted to cry.
Running away to paint passionately made me suspicious, but the football pool incident was like a tornado siren going off in my head. Depression is catching up with me again and I ignored every one of my warning signs. I got them all mixed up with some weaker hormonal fluctuations and let it creep up. I called my doctor immediately and requested an appointment. I was in by lunch-time and walked out a couple hours later with a prescription for Lexapro and referrals to a counselor, an ob/gyn, and several lab tests.
I'm not sure what's going on with the rest of my body yet, but I'm sure as hell aware of what's going on in my head now. I've never taken medication for my depression before, but I can't afford to waste any more of my life trying to let it work it's way out of my system. So I'm trying it. It won't reach full effectiveness for another week or two, and I'm already battling some of the side effects, but I think the assistance will be more than worth it.
Posted by criminal at September 26, 2005 05:22 PM
Comments
It takes a strong ass woman to realize there is a problem and have the courage to do something about it. Congrats on taking the first step.
Posted by: Jen at September 26, 2005 08:00 PM
Most mood altering drugs (especially seratonin uptake altering drugs) take more like 6-8 weeks to have a clinical affect. What's important is keeping the level of drug in your body at a contstant level - and it takes weeks for your body to build up enough of the drug in the brain... as well as for the brain to respond to the drug. Your brain cells will be very busy producing new receptors so be sure to keep them happy with plenty of food, water, rest and exercise. Just be sure to take it like you would an oral birth control - same time everyday without fail.
Even though Mom thinks it's evil, think about visiting a tanning salon. I know it sounds crazy but there have been several studies on depression in the UK in which lack of sunlight/uv light has a strong correlation with depression. In support of this, serotonin and other mood altering brain chemicals are affected by seasonal change...via the amount of sunlight. If you know you have a history of being more depressed (moody, irritable etc) around the major seasonal changes this is definetly something to look into. And you can always wear a sunblock.
Okay, enough of my suggestions. Give me a call if you ever need to talk! I love you and think you're the most beautiful intelligent woman I've ever known - And I don't say that because we share the same genes!!
Posted by: Barbie at September 26, 2005 11:58 PM
Hang in there, things will get better. When I took Lexapro it made me really, really tired. I started taking it in the evening, that helped some. I think it took about a month to start working. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Linda at September 27, 2005 10:07 AM
I think your sister offers good advise. I, too, think you are a beautiful intelligent woman, shared genes aside. Glad that you seeking help with depression. I have suffered from it my entire life (shared genes not aside?)but went untreated until my late 40's. Treatment helped me immensely, just wish i had started much sooner. I know you will conquer this, life is just too much fun when you are free!
Know that Grandma Themm and I love you and that you are very special!
Posted by: Aunt Bev at September 27, 2005 11:47 AM